imperfection

(bear with me — this is the first time I’m getting back into writing)

By this time, there have been countless articles and Instagram posts telling us that it’s okay to be flawed, to struggle, to have to start again. For each of those posts, there are also motivational posts teaching us how to be more productive, how to take be “successful”, how to make the most out of the time we have now that we’re at home all the time.

I want to talk a little bit about my struggle with perfectionism.

Throughout the past 21 years of my life, I’ve mainly focused things that I had a natural affinity for. Because I was good at the things I had chosen to show, I felt a pressure to continue the same level of success even though the bar was already so high. I still remember a session I had where I was explaining how I felt like even though I was already at the highest level of achievement possible, it was still not enough.

Little did I know, my perfectionism prevented me from getting the fulfillment and happiness that comes with personal successes. That constant feeling of “not enough” was driving me into a spiral of discontent that led to the absolute dumpster fire that was 2019. I did a lot between 2017 and 2019, achievements that any “normal” person would be proud of; yet, I sat there questioning whether any of it was my personal achievement or if I had just “gotten lucky”.

I had also put all my energy into my academic life. The avid reader, amateur photographer, and pianist I once was had left the room. Moreover, even when I had time to do those things, I didn’t want to because I was scared: what would my piano playing sound like after months of no practice? What do I even take photos of and will anyone even like my photos?

You might be thinking — if 2019 was a dumpster fire, then what is 2020? I don’t know about you, but I sauntered my way into 2020, proclaiming “2020 is going to be my year. This is it. It will finally be my year.” Despite COVID-19 and so many things just going up in flames, I’m lucky enough to still be able to think 2020 can be my year. In the past few months, I’ve played piano more than I have in the past few years; I’ve gotten back into a reading mood; I’ve taken so many pictures and am discovering my own style while still learning new things online. I’m even starting to build a portfolio!

This post in itself is a way for me to keep breaking myself out of this shell of wanting to do everything “right”; the only way for me to keep learning and improving is to just do the damn thing.

So what is 2020? 2020 is a year of discovery. I’ve rediscovered the beauty in creativity, and discovered the beauty of imperfection. I stopped stressing out about getting straight A’s and started to focus on learning and truly understanding the concepts being taught in class. I stopped being scared of “sucking” and started embracing the rush of energy that comes with new creative ideas.